Living outloud as a lesbian but I am coming to terms that I am actually living a lie.

Walk into my home and you may notice there is not one full length mirror. I dodge them. If I could get ready without having to look in any mirror I would be happy. When I do see myself it brings about the thoughts of just how far away I am from the real me.

I see all these people in the process of transitioning; it also frustrates me. This dysphoria is painful. Over the last couple of years I have had issues with my breast, having to have a mass removed it has left a scar and has left the area very tender. This has only increased my dysphoria. The tenderness brings them to my attention and it screws with my head even more. I won’t them gone. I told the surgeon to just remove them since I have these issues, but he just blew past that desire. The results were that I have Atypical ductal hyperplasia which means I will have to endure even more screenings. I am just done with them. You would think that after having lived within this body for 48 yrs I would be accustomed to it, but it seems that each year I dislike it more and more.

I did reach out to a couple of therapist. At this time I have other things that I am obligated to take care of before I can focus on making steps towards correcting my body to match what I know I am. I am so afraid that I am going to be stuck living this life within this hell.

I am just frustrated!


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