Living outloud as a lesbian but I am coming to terms that I am actually living a lie.

Tip Toed from my closet

There is one person that really knows this struggle of mine. I thought I would venture a little further from my closet one evening. I slowly opened the door, looked around and found one of my co-workers. She is MtF and I knew that this was going to be an easy coming out. I was right, she gave me guidance to some contacts for when I am ready. I really wish I could just step out and dance in the freedom.

My fear, my Father. I worry about him having to face this so late in his life. He just reached the age of 80 and I struggle with even needing to drop this in his lap. I love him dearly and I know he loves me as well. He has accepted my “lifestyle” as it is now. Telling my Father that I am gay/lesbian was hard for me because I do not see myself as a lesbian. I am a straight male, but he would not grasp that whole idea.

After my conversation with my co-worker, I spoke to my hairdresser. She was totally okay with everything. Funny, I felt that she needed to know because I have slowly over the past 5 yrs of her cutting my hair have gone shorter and shorter with my cuts. I wanted her to know the presentation I was after so she could stop trying to make my short hair cuts look femme. Which to say the least I was never pleased with anyhow.

So who knows about my closet now? My current girlfriend (embraces), a co-worker and my hair dresser. Short list.

I have a group of gals that are close friends and one of those is my girl but the other 5 do not know- well at least I haven’t told them. My co-worker said she suspected all along, but figured I would approach the subject when I was ready.

I have emailed a couple of therapist to see if they had any openings and to see what the cost would be to start going to therapy. See, I struggle with this part because I an 48 yrs of age and I know who I am. Needing a piece of paper that validates that I have gender dysphoria is …well, like a scam to me. Pay me money to write down what I already know so that I may actually go see a doctor to give me what I really need to align my body to who I really am. Yea, I struggle with that concept a lot.

I have been thinking that I would like to have the group of girls meet up with me and have a discussion. We just have gone in our own directions lately because of schedules and two live out of town. I really do not fear what they will think because I know they have my back after all, I am their “Token Butch.”


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