Living outloud as a lesbian but I am coming to terms that I am actually living a lie.

The Baptist and Me

I was brought up within a southern baptist household which looking back were the most judgemental people I have ever encountered in my life. As I have grown older, I do not comprehend how my Mother fit into that category. She was a kind person and had love for everybody. She and I did struggle with the “gay” thing, but she was not a judgemental person. Every Sunday we attended church, I knew my bible scriptures and I trembled in the pew as I listened to the pastor speak about what happens to those that practice homosexuality. He was the one that actually labeled me. I had no idea that I was a “homosexual.” Yes, I knew that physically I was a girl that was attracted to girls but within my mind and soul I was just a boy liking a girl. I did not understand really that I would stay a girl. I thought that I would grow into the boy I was meant to be and I just hadn’t reached the age that it happens.

At night, I would say my prayers, within those prayers, “Dear God, please change me soon.” This never happened. Childhood passed into teen years and I still had this deep desire that he would see fit to go ahead, answer my prayers. I knew that you should be earnest in your prayer and I can’t think of many things I was more earnest about.

As we all know high school years are very hard to those that are “normal” the complexity of being so confused when you look into a mirror simply added to the overwhelming feelings of awkwardness.

Though I began to realize that I needed to “date” a guy to be accepted and a part of the crowd, I still begged that the change would come soon. He was a great guy and fun to be around but I just felt as if I was a guy dating a guy. It felt so odd to me. I can’t explain how ashamed I felt. It was there and that is all I know. I found ways to avoid situations. My Mom seemed to be happy that a young man was coming around, but I just couldn’t find happiness for myself. In the mix of all this the pastor’s daughter and I became friends. It changed at some point that we began to hug longer and then one day it happened, we kissed. Long story short- he and I are still friends to this day and she will not speak to me at all. I guess I was a “sin” she can live without. I wish her, her husband and children a good life.

After high school, I was sent to a baptist college to help me figure out all this stuff. It was to bring me closer to God. To be very honest, I wasn’t too happy with him at this stage in my life. He had ignored my request. He has forced me to live within this shell. My second year, a roommate and I ventured down the same path as the pastor’s daughter only to be confronted by her mother on the church grounds. Her mother came after me and she told me, “I am praying for you a slow and painful death! My God hates people such as yourself and you are going to burn in hell!”

I have attended enough bible studies, church ceremonies to know that “anything that keeps you away from God is a sin,” I realized at that point it was the Baptist that were keeping me away from God- they are one of my sins.

Here I am at the age of 48, still tonight when I lay down…”God, please let me change.”

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