Living outloud as a lesbian but I am coming to terms that I am actually living a lie.

Archive for September, 2015

The Letter

When you get around others that are GLBT there is the passing of your “coming out story” I always struggled with this because I really do not have a story. I would always settle to tell the story that I realized that how I was born was going to be something others did not accept too easily.

My story, is the letter. The letter takes place in first grade, I can still see the classroom. Rows of desk, 6 across and about 7 deep. I was settled in my desk which was in the 3rd row and about 4 desk down and the girl that I liked she was sitting a row over and up about 2 desk.

As the teacher is talking I am putting together the most awesome note to send to the girl that sat a few desk over.

Dear Joni

I like you do you like me?

Check Yes or NO

I signed it …..

Jerry

(I have no idea where the name Jerry came from, think it was because it started with a “J” like hers)

I tapped the person in front of me to pass my letter to Joni. I sat back and watched as she turned to grab the letter. My heart was racing. I watched as she took her pencil and wrote something and she passed it back. Just as i get it opened and see her response, the teacher calls on me to tell me to stand up and read the note. I do as the teacher instructs me to do and the next thing I know the teacher has me by the arm and we are walking down that long wooden floor hallway.

My Mother is called and a big discussion began about if you do not do something about this…she is going to be “THAT WAY.”

I really do not recall much after that point but I do remember….she checked…..

YES

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Coming out

Well, I thought I had come out long ago but it appears that I came out all wrong. Though I do not recall ever yelling, “I am a lesbian, hear me roar!” It just came to be the label stamped upon my head. Little do they know, it is all wrong.

As a child, I recall always believing that I would grow up and do the adult thing, you know get a job, get married, kids…the whole 9 yards. It wasn’t until much later that I began to realize that I was “odd.” In my mind this included a wonderful lady by my side. I had no clue what that meant because the other girls starting liking boys, boy did they start liking them!

Growing up in a small town and a tight knit neighborhood, I never saw anyone that seem to be like me. I watched my brothers as they began to pay attention to the girls and I thought I would soon follow. “You must be a certain age when the girls start liking you” well, that was the way I believed it to be little did I know that my mind had already began working against nature.

So the journey of my brain vs nature began and it still has a raging battle to this day at 48 yrs of age.